I have seen myself vanish away, slowly but sure into the crowd. Severally in my thoughts, i did lump myself together with the robber, fornicator, debauchee and even the adulterous. Well, i never acted them out but it is matter of time. It was true today that one of my eyes slowly sublimed into the chest of the passing lady while the other was hooked to the bottom in front. My eyes used to bounce earlier and they would come back.. Nowadays it is bounce..boom! i have fallen. Everything seems attractive, from cars, women, clothing and even jobs.
Within me Master, i am remaining with a few restless parts that are only a half of me. My eyes to start with, never listen to me nowadays, leave alone the legs that promise me to take me anywhere. Actually, my ears left long ago, i never choose what not to listen.
The parts that are remaining though sure they are near leaving is the heart and the mouth. My mind is undecided, it belongs to both parties. As far as i remember, my heart has been busy planning on how i can get rich without being tired and most recently on how to receive true love without giving or being hurt.
In this scattering, You have become a stranger to me. I no longer listen to Your voice or even Your Holy Word. Sometimes, nothing looks real or true. I end up arguing every fact even Your existence which is a fact You have more than thrice confirmed to me. My job and relationship have taken the place You used to be. I am torn between passions.
The me You created when we met is today scattered between wealth, fame and riches. My mind actually never sleeps. I want to have a good car, a more beautiful woman which i doubt i can find above the one i have and to be rich within no time. My heart actually once in while remembers You, especially when things don't work out. That is the reason it has been left behind.
I had pledged to You before not to have lusty eyes. I had promised to put You before wealth. Today, i am scattered all over. I can barely make a piece out of me, i just want everything.
To the outside, i look like a good Christian, because my mouth is full of Your praises but in the inside i am just a shell. My heart says, Lord i love you but i am not excited about it. It doesn't give me that tingling feeling of awe and amazement i had before. Passions of all kinds have left me confused.
With all sincerity, Lord i need You again in my life. Not again but forever. My heart needs a seal from You not to wander. Jesus, please help me collect the scattered me. Make me alive to the pain of others and those without food when i have enough. Break my heart for what break Yours. When i have desired to save myself through pursuits, i got scattered and lost. To be selfless in You, is to have oneself.
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